


What I can't tell

by Tainamoniques



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:28:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26716021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tainamoniques/pseuds/Tainamoniques
Summary: A sleepless night. A secret. A wish. Kevin Day has a father, and he really wishes he could know the truth. He writes letters in which he says everything he wants to say. Letters that will never be read.
Relationships: Kevin Day & David Wymack
Kudos: 6





	What I can't tell

**Author's Note:**

> Translation of my own text.
> 
> Link:  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/26270362

Dad

It seems ironic to call you that. "Dad". You don't even know you're someone's father, least of all mine. But this is a secret pleasure of mine.

You know, she would be proud to see the person you have become and the wonderful work you do with this team and all the players. You give them a chance, which no one else wanted. You always accept those who are rejected by everyone - you did this to me, and I am very grateful for that.

Has it ever crossed your mind that you are my father?

It's dawn now. Andrew is sleeping, as are Aaron and Nicky. I am sitting alone in the room, looking out the window and thinking. There is a bottle of vodka in front of me. I'm wondering if I should drink it or if I should go back to the field and spend hours training.

I wanted perfection so badly, but I feel like I'm getting further and further away from it. I charge myself a lot. You often say that I must not torture myself because of these ideas of perfection, because it has already demanded more from me than it should. You're right. But hearing something like this is not easy, especially when you spend years hearing that nothing but perfection is acceptable.

Today, during training, you commented on how my movements remind you of my mother. I wanted to laugh when I heard that, because I think it's something else. My movements remind me of you. Yes, I have countless old videos of you playing. You were good. I could have been very successful playing. But I am proud of your decision to train.

I will never have the courage to say that to you. Every night I don't sleep, I write letters about how much I want you to know, but I always know how much it will destroy you.

That you are my father is a secret that I keep to myself.

My time with the ravens made me think that nothing but perfection is acceptable, and when my hand was taken from me, I found myself lost. You brought me back and gave me a new opportunity. I am here for you. I'm here because of you. I'm here for me. I'm here because of how much I care about my mom and the sport. I am here because I still want to be perfect, but I know that I will never be able to achieve perfection.

Do you think my best is enough?

Do you think I'm able to be my best at some point?

Do you think something is enough?

Do you think you could love me?

Do you think someone could love me?

Do you think I can love?

Do you think I'm good?

Do you think I deserve good things?

Dad. I wanted you so much to know who I am. I wish you had known that from the start. I would have been happy growing up as your son. On the contrary, I feel bitter and I feel that something very important has been stolen from me.

I don't blame my mom for the decision she made. She did what she believed was best for the three of us, but that doesn't stop me from spending hours dreaming, wondering what we would have been like as a family.

You two, together, would teach me Exy and I would have been a happy child. I would have had my father, and I would have had unconditional love.

I would have been happy.

I lost it. But before that, you lost it. Only you never really had it, because it was too free to belong to someone other than itself. I am grateful to have had part of her love and dedication. I know she lived for me, and she really believed that all of her decisions were the best for my future.

She was not to blame for how I was treated by the ravens or for how much it hurt to live in that place. She didn't know that this place would destroy my life, my mind and my body. If I had known, she would have given it to you. Not to him.

I wish I had you.

Would you have been happy being a father? Would you have liked me?

Sometimes I think you feel like you're my dad. That you like me. That you care for me in a different way than you care for others.

Sometimes I want everyone to know that I am their son and that I am proud to be their son.

But I'm afraid.

I got used to everyone rejecting me or taking what they want from me and then leaving me aside.

Please don't leave me alone. Please.

Please.

Please.

I just wish I could be your son. I wish I could go back in time and have grown up by your side.

This is just another letter that will never be read. She will be burned and like her ashes will hide this dangerous secret. If that information becomes public, your life can be destroyed and I don't want to be responsible for it. You don't have to feel the guilt for all the harm that happened to me in those unbearable years. You don't need to, because it's not anyone's fault but the people responsible for the place, the team and the one who was my number 1. You never knew, and there should be no blame for something that was hidden from you.

Dad, I'm sorry. You cannot change what happened, but you have done everything you can to make me better. And I appreciate that.

I hope someday to be able to love and be loved.

Kevin Day.


End file.
